Managing Loneliness, in the face of COVID-19
In this age of connectivity, social media and smartphones, the last few weeks have taught us just how vital it is to see each other in person. Whilst we are all benefiting from the ability to stay in touch virtually, we are realising what is missed when we can’t be in the same room, walk down the same street or sit across from each other in the local coffee shop.
Sadly, some members of our community have experienced social distancing and isolation for many years. Not because of an infectious disease, but due to the simple story of loneliness. Some members of the elderly population, those who are economically challenged or those who are homeless may not have access to broadband or smart gadgets. Imagine what that kind of loneliness may be like?
We are all social animals, albeit some of us who suffer with social anxiety or mobility issues may not be feeling the impact of COVID-19 restrictions in the manner most of us are. Regardless of this, we all have a basic need to feel cared for and to have a sense of belonging. It is deeply human for us to feel love and regard for others too, for what is life without connection? Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, and Harlow’s attachment studies using monkeys, are still helpful models to help us understand this truth, which seems universal across species.
In a BBC commissioned loneliness study some months back, 55,000 people were included from across the UK. Some people spoke of feeling alone since the loss of a loved one, and how they reminisce about lost togetherness, almost every place they visit. Others shared their sense of feeling marginalised or excluded from society, due to disability. Still more of how hectic their work schedules have become, such that they no longer have time to keep up with their family or friends – or even keep up with themselves! Whilst some of these factors remain pertinent in the COVID-19 period, the idea of having no time to talk to others, or spend time with ourselves, is now quite laughable. We have time…lots of it.
Notwithstanding the national and international effort just now, even prior to COVID-19 we were fighting to save lives. Loneliness was, and still remains, a 21st Century epidemic. To illustrate the scale of the problem, research by the British Red Cross (2016) reports on more than 9 million people in the UK (equivalent to almost 1 in 5 people!) saying they are “always” or “often lonely”. It’s a quiet, undetected problem, because 2 in 3 people who report loneliness, also say they don’t feel comfortable admitting to it. Perhaps the current health crisis is giving people more permission to say how they feel? Certainly, we are seeing a trend in outpourings of feelings and more emotional intimacy on social media channels, than I can recall having been present in recent history. Maybe this is one of the legacies that COVID-19 will leave us with, although it is no counterbalance for what it has taken away.
Until Coronavirus, to say you are lonely was difficult, embarrassing or even shaming. Perhaps because one feared it would convey a sense of underdeveloped social skills, or some flaw in the relationships we have made with family or community. Or more simply, it may have signalled a lack of ‘get up and go’, given we could not possibly be lonely if we just joined a few groups, or left the house more. Yet, psychologically speaking, I have come to learn through working with thousands of clients over the years that the more alone we are, the less safe we feel in the world. A lack of safety leads us to be more guarded and lacking in trust. This in turn does little to draw people in and rather compounds the problem, with far reaching consequences.
That loneliness impacts on emotional health is of course obvious - it creates a sense of isolation, lack of social support and a felt disconnection from the world. Depression and anxiety are part and parcel of this experience. But research by Dr VH Murthy, former Surgeon General of the USA actually makes links between social isolation and harm to physical health. So much so that the risk factors for early death through loneliness are comparable to a person smoking 15 cigarettes per day or suffering with obesity. How may this work? Well, the immune response seems to become supressed in a person who feels persistently isolated, because one’s thoughts and feelings become caught within a perpetual “stress response”. If we are frequently on edge, have no outlet for expressing our feelings and have only superficial connections to others, it impacts directly on our cardiovascular function – raised heart rate, blood pressure and more physically tense muscles and nerves. Prolonged or repetitive experiences like this are sure to age the body prematurely, because we are after all biological machines, with all the vulnerability of becoming worn down.
On the other hand, social connection has a curative effect. We know that smiling at someone, communicating even without words and feeling another’s touch, all work to trigger the release of “endorphins”; the natural pain-relieving hormones of the body. Endorphins are so potent they are sometimes called nature’s antidepressants. Further, they work closely with serotonin and dopamine systems in the brain, which are associated with feel good properties. Another chemical that becomes active is oxytocin - known increasingly as the “happiness hormone”. Friendships and intimacy with people with whom we share love and care, may literally save life!
In the UK, a Minister for Loneliness was created by the last Government. This person was tasked with taking forward the work of the late MP Jo Cox, who was tragically killed in recent years. Jo launched a commission on loneliness and brought the issue to national awareness. I wonder if this period of COVID-19 will help us all empathise more, with those who are lonely. Perhaps we will continue to keep in touch by phone and video call with those we care about, on a more regular basis (alongside of course, the freedom we hope to claim back soon to visit and sit with each other again). I have been moved by the number of community support sessions, many offered for free, just to help us all get by. Only last night, I joined around 12 people in a laughter yoga session online, with my family participating too. I really hope we build further on these initiatives, in the weeks, months and years ahead.
A connected society, is a healthier society.
My message is for us all to be more open if we are feeling lonely, by talking about it with others. Whether it is during the Coronavirus situation, or afterwards, we are not immune from the impact of significant bereavements, the potential loss of our mobility, redundancies from work, health constraints or other misfortunes that lead to feelings of isolation and sadness. Let’s all make efforts to ensure that no-one forgets what it feels like to laugh with someone or have a meal in friendly company. The small contribution we make, may help us all rediscover hope, because loneliness does not have to be a fixed or immovable reality in our lives.
If you are struggling right now, or know someone who is, here are some organisations for you to approach, and activities or reading aides that may help;
Age UK– advice and information for older people, including tips to older people on how to cope with staying at home during the COVID-19 period
0800 169 65 65
Virtual Museum Tours– Look into our world historic heritage, whilst sitting at home https://www.travelandleisure.com/attractions/museums-galleries/museums-with-virtual-tours
Carers UK– information and support for carers
0808 808 7777
MIND UK - Tips on how to manage mental wellbeing while staying at home https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/coronavirus/coronavirus-and-your-wellbeing/
Elefriends– a supportive online community for those with mental health needs
Empty Closets– an online community for people who are gay, bisexual, transgender, curious or unsure
Headspace– a meditation app, currently free to NHS staff https://www.headspace.com/covid-19
Gingerbread– advice and support for single parents
0808 802 0925
Free Workout Videos– Free NHS led workout videos online for beginners, including sessions such as a ‘wake up' workout!
Samaritans– 24hr support for anyone in distress or despair
Explaining COVID 19 to Children - Guide for parents on how to explain Coronavirus to children
Coronavirus Anxiety Management Guide - A helpful booklet explaining anxiety and how to manage how you feel during the COVID 19 period
Dr Bobby Sura Consultant Clinical Psychologist and Psychotherapist Director, Solihull Well Being Clinic https://www.solihullwellbeingclinic.com/dr-bobby-sura
Thank you for taking the time to read this article. If you feel anything can be improved, do please get in touch. Otherwise, do feel free to share it with friends and colleagues who may benefit. In the period of social distancing, we have a range of remote therapy and counselling sessions available. Feel free to get in touch if we can be of ay help 0121 777 1675 or firstname.lastname@example.org.
Dr Bobby Sura
Consultant Clinical Psychologist and Psychotherapist
Dr Bobby Sura is a Consultant Clinical Psychologist specialising within the field of lifespan and family based mental health needs. He has over 20yrs NHS experience and 16yrs in the private sector, being the founder of Clinical Psychology Direct and Director for Solihull Well Being Clinic. Bobby is Chartered with the British Psychological Society (BPS), Division of Clinical Psychology (DCP), Health and Care Professions Council (HCPC) with eligibility for registration with the United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy (UKCP) and Association of Family Therapy (AFT). He manages a large service in Hall Green, Birmingham, with a range of Counsellors, Psychotherapists and Psychologists who offer their services on a private, fee paying basis.